Я всегда была импульсивная.
Maybe in the light of day
It all won't even matter
I'm so impulsive
I wanna just tell it
But I must not
I'll just wait til tomorrow
It all won't even matter
I'm so impulsive
I wanna just tell it
But I must not
I'll just wait til tomorrow
воскресенье, 06 декабря 2015
Если я и напишу ему что-то, это случится в первой половине дня.
Вечером у меня мозг работает хуже.
Вечером у меня мозг работает хуже.
My dear boy
I have no rights to write you now.
I messed up.
Can you give me the chance to be your friend
I was shocked to see that you actually cared.
Please know that you are not alone in the dark, I am happy to be with you if you need.
I couldn't stop thinking about you all this time. I wrote you a huge letter which got erased. I wrote another letters but every time the message changed, I got so confused of what exactly I wanted to say.
Even on my birthday. I was receiving all these messages with bd wishes, but every time I would jump up and thrill cause there was a chance it could be you as crazy as it sounds after me asking you for no contact.
I was listening and passing through myself all your new music. I was very impressed by "Marc the Great", this song is so sad.
I need a lot of time to learn to believe. I need a lot of time to learn to be self-sufficient. I need a lot of time to learn to not be emotionally dependent. I need a lot of time to learn to generate my joy and peace and do go to others for it.
I need to learn to be patient and not rush. You're right I'm a hung ho.
I didn't mean to break it this way. That's my fucked-up use of language. I didn't mean it different from the ways you offered several times before. To take a break, to slow down, to stop coming around.
I have no rights to write you now.
I messed up.
Can you give me the chance to be your friend
I was shocked to see that you actually cared.
Please know that you are not alone in the dark, I am happy to be with you if you need.
I couldn't stop thinking about you all this time. I wrote you a huge letter which got erased. I wrote another letters but every time the message changed, I got so confused of what exactly I wanted to say.
Even on my birthday. I was receiving all these messages with bd wishes, but every time I would jump up and thrill cause there was a chance it could be you as crazy as it sounds after me asking you for no contact.
I was listening and passing through myself all your new music. I was very impressed by "Marc the Great", this song is so sad.
I need a lot of time to learn to believe. I need a lot of time to learn to be self-sufficient. I need a lot of time to learn to not be emotionally dependent. I need a lot of time to learn to generate my joy and peace and do go to others for it.
I need to learn to be patient and not rush. You're right I'm a hung ho.
I didn't mean to break it this way. That's my fucked-up use of language. I didn't mean it different from the ways you offered several times before. To take a break, to slow down, to stop coming around.
3 buts in sex
Why we must not have sex.
1) You are in a relationship. period. it's unacceptable
2) To have sex we should love each other. Otherwise it doesn't feel right. Seriously. So if/when/ if ever/ you love me considering you're polygamic, that would make sense.
3) To have sex I should get at leaast the same amount of orgasms and pleasure as you. I should get a careful gentle treat, at least 50% of the time.
Why we must not have sex.
1) You are in a relationship. period. it's unacceptable
2) To have sex we should love each other. Otherwise it doesn't feel right. Seriously. So if/when/ if ever/ you love me considering you're polygamic, that would make sense.
3) To have sex I should get at leaast the same amount of orgasms and pleasure as you. I should get a careful gentle treat, at least 50% of the time.
Он продолжает выкладывать новые песни, где говорит мне все о том же.
суббота, 05 декабря 2015
Hello.
Marc, Eloh, bro, sweet boy, man, you. I gave a word to stop, but there is an important reason why I'm writing this to you now. And the reason is - misinformation which always leads to misunderstanding. There are things I haven't told you which may change the whole picture for you and shed some light on why I acted the way I acted.
I didn't want to overwhelm you with large letter, but since you said you love philosophy and you said you taking me as I am, I feel I can tell you all I want even if the size of that is not compact. And especially in the case of misunderstanding, it's crucial to explain it all in detail. I would love to hear your side of the story as well if there is something I don't know yet. Or just your reaction.
You said I didn't give knowing you a chance. While that's true in general, there are in fact some things I got to know about you. One of these things is that you're hotheaded and explode too fast when you feel someone wants to offend you or is blaming you. At that time you can lose some objectivity and actually attack a person very aggressively.
The other thing though I got to know about you is that you get appeased after some time and that's when the objectivity comes back. Especially, when the other person deals with attack in a persuasive way. Then you can actually hear and see what in fact stands behind all these words.
So you said you always gave me what I asked for. Now I am asking you to read this letter when you are in that objective and restful mood. As I am not trying to put blames on you, I am explaining what are the reasons why I did what I did. If you're not in that mood, please wait until you have it.
The reason why I'm writing this to you is that I was shocked that you were deeply hurt by me leaving you. I didn't know you actually valued my company and wanted me to be at least your friend. This was the time I saw you cared.
Now I anticipate you telling me that I am the fucking "not-believer". I gotta believe. It's not your job to prove me that you care.
Well, there is a reason why I didn't believe. So let me tell you about it.
For me it was a deep connection from the start. Something I rarely have with people and something I greedily seek in people. The connection. Not communication. But the feeling that I am touched somewhere inside. That I see a person who actually is deep. Rich mentally and emotionally. Strong. Smart. Sexy. Curious. Gifted. Not indifferent. Open. "Not like the others". And connection with such person gives me the best feeling I can have.
One thing about me is that in this case I suddenly feel incredibly bored with everyone else. I want to hang out and talk with this person only, others seem artificial. I get consumed by this connection and tend to a complete union. I lose the sense of boundary. If this is a man, the fullness of connection is achieved also by physical attraction and strong desire.
And you were in for that. Open, taking and giving, interested. It was a lot of fun and discoveries. Before we started having sex. Including the protected one.
I didn't expect first several times to work out perfectly, of course, people should take time to adjust to each other. However, at some point I started feeling the growing imbalance. I am not measuring cheaply or anything, but this is important. Just remember how many orgasms I had. One or two? Compared to dozens of yours recieved through different ways. Again, I'm not counting or anything but I want to enjoy our sex no less than you do.
Maybe this is not obvious, but every time I have sexual experience, I want an orgasm at least once. I need to release, to discharge, to relax. If I'm not the tension grows.
On the one hand, you could think that sex itself gives me pleasure. Well, that's true to some degree. Firstly, pleasant sensations and actual orgasm are so far from being equal. Secondly, many times I didn't have pleasant sensations cause I wasn't well aroused. In most of the cases I would be just plain tense and you would just ram. That's very far from giving me pleasant sensations. When you rape my butt, there are no pleasant sensations as well. I don't mind and in fact like when there is a violence in our acts, but it has to be at least balanced with things pleasant for me.
There are two types of orgasms women can get. The vaginal (spot G one) and the clitoral. The first is acheived only by some lucky women that have men who really want to please their woman and take time to learn how and practice. I thought you would do that eventually, and until then I was expecting to get the clitoral thing.
There is a saying that women are hard to please. Fuck no. Just try. Or ask. And be patient. We have very rich sensations and it's not good to feel neglected. We are multiorgasmic as well. So ideally I would cum as many times as you when we have sex.
But every time the imbalance was just increasing and increasing. You didn't take time to caress my body, to learn me, to arouse me well. And I was feeling more and more disconnected.
Why the hell am I feeling exhausted after sex if you came 4 times and I came 0 times? Isn't that self-explanatory?
At some point I started thinking you didn't care. You just wanted to have fun. I was enjoying the whole thing less and less. I didn't get the careful treat neither in sex, not in our conversation. That's why I was feeling so lost. At some point that violence wasn't sexual game anymore, I actually felt I am a victim. I actually started thinking you direct on me your aggression, and I had less and less signs of you liking me as a person or as a woman. It was all aggravated by the fact that you would text me mainly about sex, telling how you would fuck me this or that way. My tension was growing. I wanted some signs of you caring about me, and not just getting an available entertainment.
At some point, I guess after a night in your car, you got negative to me. And that was way too much to handle. So I coudn't take it anymore. I demanded your love!
How could I believe that you care when you would not take time to make me feel good in sex?
Remember I told you funny story about a guy waking up a girl with oral sex. That time you told that you would satisfy the girl first and then take care of yourself. Now remember that the first thing you did when you woke up in the car was sticking your dick into my mouth. This is kind of exactly the opposite of what you said. And when I left in the morning very tired all I wanted is from you was some nice text like "baby I hope your day goes well" but you texted how you wanna fuck my throat all day.
Now I anticipate your question. If I felt that way why the hell didn't I tell it to you? Cause you probably didn't aim to be selfish.
Here is my answer.
I tried several times, but every time you would cut me off. One time you said I'm giving you orders (I felt so horrible and guilty), second time you said the way I said it is narcissistic and it's on public. Other times when I softly ask you to please me orally you would be like "Say it, say eat my pussy". Why the hell I am supposed to say it explicitly, it makes me shrink and not talk about it anymore. Other times you wouldn't just think about it. Like I ask you to teach me to suck your dick well, but you won't ask me to teach you to please me as well. I didn't do it to get it instantly back, but you don't seem to even have an idea to ask me. Finally, last time we met I wanted to tell you but you were already upset and it was not tactful to tell you that. Also, isn't that so trivially obvious, that I want to have orgasms too? But I am probably not overly confident to rape your mouth, and this thing doesn't work with aggression, it works with tenderness and care. You are too intense when you give it to me.
About women absorbing.
About not being able to switch easily and to ditribute their attention and energy to different activities. I woudn't enjoy seeing other people, cause they are not as awesome as you are. I wouldn't even have enough sources to take care of myself and look good. I need time to learn to. I gotta learn.
About me not being productive and not being able to write dissertation.
I tried and failed. If I say I can see you and still not focus on you, it's self-lie.
Other than that - sex is not a casual thing. It should be a part of love relationships. And even if you please me well, this is either using or love.
I want to connect with you. I do like you in many ways. However I should not aim to have your romantic love. I was trying to grope what kind of relationship will work for me and you. And it's probably friendship with no sex. Maybe in 6 months or later I would be strong enough to connect and feel where's the boundary. It would help if I had a man or I saw you with Eva to actually feel that you are in a beatiful relationship with love and commitment. And violating this space is unacceptable.
You are in a relationship. Period.
You said I should not beat into a man's head to love me. That's something that I can't change instantly even if I strongly want. This is partially narcissitics fear, that I'm not good enough, partially my lack of self-sufficiency which results in me wanting the total confluence. While what you say implies two equally independent adults that are not involved in any kind of emotional dependency. And that's another huge work I must do. Fight with that or figure out why I need so badly to grab someone, and I can't find peace with myself.
Cause you're totally right, men will come to me for peace, for the joy of life and freedom that I have. And they will multiply my joy and peace. Or they will run away.
I know you were taking me as I am. But to believe I need to..... learn to do it.
Ughhhh. This whole letter doesn't make sense. I came back to where I was. I will think tomorrow.
Don't think I thought you're ingnorant. Assumptions.
Don't think I play, I am not capable of lying or manipulations.
And you're not black fetish. You said exotic sexuality too.
What I meant was that slowdown and break. My fucked-up use of language.
That's why all the molding happened. I needed some signs that you cared.
Marc, Eloh, bro, sweet boy, man, you. I gave a word to stop, but there is an important reason why I'm writing this to you now. And the reason is - misinformation which always leads to misunderstanding. There are things I haven't told you which may change the whole picture for you and shed some light on why I acted the way I acted.
I didn't want to overwhelm you with large letter, but since you said you love philosophy and you said you taking me as I am, I feel I can tell you all I want even if the size of that is not compact. And especially in the case of misunderstanding, it's crucial to explain it all in detail. I would love to hear your side of the story as well if there is something I don't know yet. Or just your reaction.
You said I didn't give knowing you a chance. While that's true in general, there are in fact some things I got to know about you. One of these things is that you're hotheaded and explode too fast when you feel someone wants to offend you or is blaming you. At that time you can lose some objectivity and actually attack a person very aggressively.
The other thing though I got to know about you is that you get appeased after some time and that's when the objectivity comes back. Especially, when the other person deals with attack in a persuasive way. Then you can actually hear and see what in fact stands behind all these words.
So you said you always gave me what I asked for. Now I am asking you to read this letter when you are in that objective and restful mood. As I am not trying to put blames on you, I am explaining what are the reasons why I did what I did. If you're not in that mood, please wait until you have it.
The reason why I'm writing this to you is that I was shocked that you were deeply hurt by me leaving you. I didn't know you actually valued my company and wanted me to be at least your friend. This was the time I saw you cared.
Now I anticipate you telling me that I am the fucking "not-believer". I gotta believe. It's not your job to prove me that you care.
Well, there is a reason why I didn't believe. So let me tell you about it.
For me it was a deep connection from the start. Something I rarely have with people and something I greedily seek in people. The connection. Not communication. But the feeling that I am touched somewhere inside. That I see a person who actually is deep. Rich mentally and emotionally. Strong. Smart. Sexy. Curious. Gifted. Not indifferent. Open. "Not like the others". And connection with such person gives me the best feeling I can have.
One thing about me is that in this case I suddenly feel incredibly bored with everyone else. I want to hang out and talk with this person only, others seem artificial. I get consumed by this connection and tend to a complete union. I lose the sense of boundary. If this is a man, the fullness of connection is achieved also by physical attraction and strong desire.
And you were in for that. Open, taking and giving, interested. It was a lot of fun and discoveries. Before we started having sex. Including the protected one.
I didn't expect first several times to work out perfectly, of course, people should take time to adjust to each other. However, at some point I started feeling the growing imbalance. I am not measuring cheaply or anything, but this is important. Just remember how many orgasms I had. One or two? Compared to dozens of yours recieved through different ways. Again, I'm not counting or anything but I want to enjoy our sex no less than you do.
Maybe this is not obvious, but every time I have sexual experience, I want an orgasm at least once. I need to release, to discharge, to relax. If I'm not the tension grows.
On the one hand, you could think that sex itself gives me pleasure. Well, that's true to some degree. Firstly, pleasant sensations and actual orgasm are so far from being equal. Secondly, many times I didn't have pleasant sensations cause I wasn't well aroused. In most of the cases I would be just plain tense and you would just ram. That's very far from giving me pleasant sensations. When you rape my butt, there are no pleasant sensations as well. I don't mind and in fact like when there is a violence in our acts, but it has to be at least balanced with things pleasant for me.
There are two types of orgasms women can get. The vaginal (spot G one) and the clitoral. The first is acheived only by some lucky women that have men who really want to please their woman and take time to learn how and practice. I thought you would do that eventually, and until then I was expecting to get the clitoral thing.
There is a saying that women are hard to please. Fuck no. Just try. Or ask. And be patient. We have very rich sensations and it's not good to feel neglected. We are multiorgasmic as well. So ideally I would cum as many times as you when we have sex.
But every time the imbalance was just increasing and increasing. You didn't take time to caress my body, to learn me, to arouse me well. And I was feeling more and more disconnected.
Why the hell am I feeling exhausted after sex if you came 4 times and I came 0 times? Isn't that self-explanatory?
At some point I started thinking you didn't care. You just wanted to have fun. I was enjoying the whole thing less and less. I didn't get the careful treat neither in sex, not in our conversation. That's why I was feeling so lost. At some point that violence wasn't sexual game anymore, I actually felt I am a victim. I actually started thinking you direct on me your aggression, and I had less and less signs of you liking me as a person or as a woman. It was all aggravated by the fact that you would text me mainly about sex, telling how you would fuck me this or that way. My tension was growing. I wanted some signs of you caring about me, and not just getting an available entertainment.
At some point, I guess after a night in your car, you got negative to me. And that was way too much to handle. So I coudn't take it anymore. I demanded your love!
How could I believe that you care when you would not take time to make me feel good in sex?
Remember I told you funny story about a guy waking up a girl with oral sex. That time you told that you would satisfy the girl first and then take care of yourself. Now remember that the first thing you did when you woke up in the car was sticking your dick into my mouth. This is kind of exactly the opposite of what you said. And when I left in the morning very tired all I wanted is from you was some nice text like "baby I hope your day goes well" but you texted how you wanna fuck my throat all day.
Now I anticipate your question. If I felt that way why the hell didn't I tell it to you? Cause you probably didn't aim to be selfish.
Here is my answer.
I tried several times, but every time you would cut me off. One time you said I'm giving you orders (I felt so horrible and guilty), second time you said the way I said it is narcissistic and it's on public. Other times when I softly ask you to please me orally you would be like "Say it, say eat my pussy". Why the hell I am supposed to say it explicitly, it makes me shrink and not talk about it anymore. Other times you wouldn't just think about it. Like I ask you to teach me to suck your dick well, but you won't ask me to teach you to please me as well. I didn't do it to get it instantly back, but you don't seem to even have an idea to ask me. Finally, last time we met I wanted to tell you but you were already upset and it was not tactful to tell you that. Also, isn't that so trivially obvious, that I want to have orgasms too? But I am probably not overly confident to rape your mouth, and this thing doesn't work with aggression, it works with tenderness and care. You are too intense when you give it to me.
About women absorbing.
About not being able to switch easily and to ditribute their attention and energy to different activities. I woudn't enjoy seeing other people, cause they are not as awesome as you are. I wouldn't even have enough sources to take care of myself and look good. I need time to learn to. I gotta learn.
About me not being productive and not being able to write dissertation.
I tried and failed. If I say I can see you and still not focus on you, it's self-lie.
Other than that - sex is not a casual thing. It should be a part of love relationships. And even if you please me well, this is either using or love.
I want to connect with you. I do like you in many ways. However I should not aim to have your romantic love. I was trying to grope what kind of relationship will work for me and you. And it's probably friendship with no sex. Maybe in 6 months or later I would be strong enough to connect and feel where's the boundary. It would help if I had a man or I saw you with Eva to actually feel that you are in a beatiful relationship with love and commitment. And violating this space is unacceptable.
You are in a relationship. Period.
You said I should not beat into a man's head to love me. That's something that I can't change instantly even if I strongly want. This is partially narcissitics fear, that I'm not good enough, partially my lack of self-sufficiency which results in me wanting the total confluence. While what you say implies two equally independent adults that are not involved in any kind of emotional dependency. And that's another huge work I must do. Fight with that or figure out why I need so badly to grab someone, and I can't find peace with myself.
Cause you're totally right, men will come to me for peace, for the joy of life and freedom that I have. And they will multiply my joy and peace. Or they will run away.
I know you were taking me as I am. But to believe I need to..... learn to do it.
Ughhhh. This whole letter doesn't make sense. I came back to where I was. I will think tomorrow.
Don't think I thought you're ingnorant. Assumptions.
Don't think I play, I am not capable of lying or manipulations.
And you're not black fetish. You said exotic sexuality too.
What I meant was that slowdown and break. My fucked-up use of language.
That's why all the molding happened. I needed some signs that you cared.
I saw, and I heard
I felt and I
I care I'm not
В чем смысл не видеть тебя
Если ты все равно всегда в моей голове?
What's the point of not seeing you
If you're still always on my mind
Ok, I assumed I thought that I knew
But I was blind
I'm scared I will fade in your eyes
This is just fucking too much to bear
I still have your presence.
In my ears.
On my skin.
Before my eyes
In the air.
On my lips.
Inside my
And around
I felt and I
I care I'm not
В чем смысл не видеть тебя
Если ты все равно всегда в моей голове?
What's the point of not seeing you
If you're still always on my mind
Ok, I assumed I thought that I knew
But I was blind
I'm scared I will fade in your eyes
This is just fucking too much to bear
I still have your presence.
In my ears.
On my skin.
Before my eyes
In the air.
On my lips.
Inside my
And around
Кстати, это не первое его упоминание обо мне.
В Бэгз оф Шедоуз, кажись, он там где-то пел, что проснулся в стремном настроении, потом случилось кое-что - и все стало круто.
Кое-что - это наше время вместе. И секс.
В Бэгз оф Шедоуз, кажись, он там где-то пел, что проснулся в стремном настроении, потом случилось кое-что - и все стало круто.
Кое-что - это наше время вместе. И секс.
Он написал песню. Про меня.
Такими темпами я его не забуду.
Даже цветы от Тиграна отвлекли от мыслей о нем лишь ненадолго.
Мое сердце не успокаивается.
Оно стучит о нем.
Я не знаю.
Это пока лишь первый день.
Меня всю трясет.
Мой день рождения.
А все мысли о нем. Поздравления от более полусотни людей. А все мысли о нем.
Удалил меня во всех соцсетях.
Кроме саундклауда.
Скачала его песню.
Где он поет _обо_ _мне_.
"She says that she needs a lot of love and understanding. Well he listens while she speaks as he tries to understand why she don't stop talking about it and just take him as he is. For everything he is right now in front of her (to send stand?)"
Такими темпами я его не забуду.
Даже цветы от Тиграна отвлекли от мыслей о нем лишь ненадолго.
Мое сердце не успокаивается.
Оно стучит о нем.
Я не знаю.
Это пока лишь первый день.
Меня всю трясет.
Мой день рождения.
А все мысли о нем. Поздравления от более полусотни людей. А все мысли о нем.
Удалил меня во всех соцсетях.
Кроме саундклауда.
Скачала его песню.
Где он поет _обо_ _мне_.
"She says that she needs a lot of love and understanding. Well he listens while she speaks as he tries to understand why she don't stop talking about it and just take him as he is. For everything he is right now in front of her (to send stand?)"
Есть коммуникация, а есть контакт.
Я хочу именно контакта.
При коммуникации - происходит просто обмен какой-то инфой, просто общее знакомство, общение, может даже обмен мнениями.
Контакт происходит, когда двое чувствуют какую-то общность, какой-то клик, какое-то чувство. Например, сочувствие, или когда задевают за живое.
Мой клик с Анастасией произошел, когда эта интересная девушка в черном, дававшая мне сверху послушать Найтвиш, упомянула, что тоже ведет днев на дайри.
Это было 10 лет назад.
Контакт - это когда видишь что-то в глазах другого человека.
Когда есть ощущение доверия. Пусть и на мгновение.
Контакт не обязательно возникает, когда люди делятся сокровенным.
Бывает, односторонний контакт - тебя кто-то торкает. Бывает даже взаимный односторонний контакт.
Но это не истинный контакт.
Истинный - когда ты что-то открываешь человку, и он тебе что-то открывает. Сердце. Близость.
Именно контакт у меня был с Марком.
Поэтому мне так мучительно больно его отпускать. И я в шоке, как он страдает от этого. Я не думала, что ему и правда со мной было хорошо. Я не доверяла, я боялась, я сомневалась. В то время как он беспрестанно повторял "Перестань меня обтесывать и придавать мне форму. Я такой какой есть. И не намерен доказывать все время, что мне не все равно."
И ведь ему не все равно.
Ему было не все равно. Он оказался ранимым.
Он вспыльчив. Но отходчив. Это первое, что я о нем действительно поняла.
Ему приятно изъявление чувств, он к ним не привык.
Он действительно тоже одинок. И тоже искал во мне контакта. А я хотела сделать его своим парнем.
Именно поэтому - разрыв сейчас необходим. Я совершенно не разбираю земли, я не понимаю ничего, я запуталась. Каждый раз, когда я запутывалась и хотела его помощи, он отходил в сторону. Или не желая брать на себя мою ответственость, или попросту не зная, как мне помочь, или будучи инфантильным. Впрочем, вряд ли последнее. Но как минимум он нуждается в заботе сам, это факт. Я это очень четко почувствовала, когда он однажды на балконе прижался к моей груди и спросил, может ли он побыть ребенком.
И ведь правда - его руки были там, рядом. А я лишь говорила. И не ложилась в них.
Почему?
Мне нужны были гарантии?????
Что мне вообще было нужно?
Вот в чем вопрос.
Слияние и потеря себя?
Что Же Мне Нужно?
Мне точно нужен контакт, но почему же я так стремлюсь отдать свое сердце кому-то? Отдать свою душу, свое я. Вручить кому-то.
Почему я не могу быть с ним равноправным партнером?
Благо меня тянет к хорошим парням, которые не стремятся меня использовать. Иначе проблем бы не оберешься было бы.
Почему?
Сижу такая в офисе в гц. Рядом Диана.
Прямо как 4 года назад.
Я хочу именно контакта.
При коммуникации - происходит просто обмен какой-то инфой, просто общее знакомство, общение, может даже обмен мнениями.
Контакт происходит, когда двое чувствуют какую-то общность, какой-то клик, какое-то чувство. Например, сочувствие, или когда задевают за живое.
Мой клик с Анастасией произошел, когда эта интересная девушка в черном, дававшая мне сверху послушать Найтвиш, упомянула, что тоже ведет днев на дайри.
Это было 10 лет назад.
Контакт - это когда видишь что-то в глазах другого человека.
Когда есть ощущение доверия. Пусть и на мгновение.
Контакт не обязательно возникает, когда люди делятся сокровенным.
Бывает, односторонний контакт - тебя кто-то торкает. Бывает даже взаимный односторонний контакт.
Но это не истинный контакт.
Истинный - когда ты что-то открываешь человку, и он тебе что-то открывает. Сердце. Близость.
Именно контакт у меня был с Марком.
Поэтому мне так мучительно больно его отпускать. И я в шоке, как он страдает от этого. Я не думала, что ему и правда со мной было хорошо. Я не доверяла, я боялась, я сомневалась. В то время как он беспрестанно повторял "Перестань меня обтесывать и придавать мне форму. Я такой какой есть. И не намерен доказывать все время, что мне не все равно."
И ведь ему не все равно.
Ему было не все равно. Он оказался ранимым.
Он вспыльчив. Но отходчив. Это первое, что я о нем действительно поняла.
Ему приятно изъявление чувств, он к ним не привык.
Он действительно тоже одинок. И тоже искал во мне контакта. А я хотела сделать его своим парнем.
Именно поэтому - разрыв сейчас необходим. Я совершенно не разбираю земли, я не понимаю ничего, я запуталась. Каждый раз, когда я запутывалась и хотела его помощи, он отходил в сторону. Или не желая брать на себя мою ответственость, или попросту не зная, как мне помочь, или будучи инфантильным. Впрочем, вряд ли последнее. Но как минимум он нуждается в заботе сам, это факт. Я это очень четко почувствовала, когда он однажды на балконе прижался к моей груди и спросил, может ли он побыть ребенком.
И ведь правда - его руки были там, рядом. А я лишь говорила. И не ложилась в них.
Почему?
Мне нужны были гарантии?????
Что мне вообще было нужно?
Вот в чем вопрос.
Слияние и потеря себя?
Что Же Мне Нужно?
Мне точно нужен контакт, но почему же я так стремлюсь отдать свое сердце кому-то? Отдать свою душу, свое я. Вручить кому-то.
Почему я не могу быть с ним равноправным партнером?
Благо меня тянет к хорошим парням, которые не стремятся меня использовать. Иначе проблем бы не оберешься было бы.
Почему?
Сижу такая в офисе в гц. Рядом Диана.
Прямо как 4 года назад.
Итак, сегодня мой день рождения.
Позавчера я решила окончательно порвать с Марком.
Вчера это дошло до логического конца.
Но в моей душе столько всего!
Столько чувств! Переживаний!
Я прокручиваю в голове всю нашу переписку.
Марк, я слишком сильно хочу от тебя чего-то.
"Если ты хочешь, чтобы мужчина хотел тебя или влюбился в тебя, не пытайся вбить ему это в голову - это лишь заставит его потерять к тебе интерес".
Ах.
Аххх.
Беда в том, что я не умею иначе.
Пока что.
Я не знаю, я не могу найти баланса.
Это сложная задача.
Я должна продержаться первые три дня. Потом неделю.
И потом - чувства успокоятся.
Я буду писать все письма ему сюда.
Может быть, когда-нибудь все выкристаллизуется.
А пока - я месс.
Позавчера я решила окончательно порвать с Марком.
Вчера это дошло до логического конца.
Но в моей душе столько всего!
Столько чувств! Переживаний!
Я прокручиваю в голове всю нашу переписку.
Марк, я слишком сильно хочу от тебя чего-то.
"Если ты хочешь, чтобы мужчина хотел тебя или влюбился в тебя, не пытайся вбить ему это в голову - это лишь заставит его потерять к тебе интерес".
Ах.
Аххх.
Беда в том, что я не умею иначе.
Пока что.
Я не знаю, я не могу найти баланса.
Это сложная задача.
Я должна продержаться первые три дня. Потом неделю.
И потом - чувства успокоятся.
Я буду писать все письма ему сюда.
Может быть, когда-нибудь все выкристаллизуется.
А пока - я месс.
четверг, 03 декабря 2015
Well, that means you won't get your gloves back. And I won't kiss you for the last time.
My heart is pounding, I am shaking, this is really hard for me. But I must do it. I want to stop seeing you. Completely.
There are many reasons, and we did discuss it not once.
Each of us has his side. My side is that at the beginning I thought I can simply have sex with you with no mental consequences.
But very soon I got attached
i was genuinly giving myself and opened a lot of me to you. Including unprotected sex which I never had before.
My heart is pounding, I am shaking, this is really hard for me. But I must do it. I want to stop seeing you. Completely.
There are many reasons, and we did discuss it not once.
Each of us has his side. My side is that at the beginning I thought I can simply have sex with you with no mental consequences.
But very soon I got attached
i was genuinly giving myself and opened a lot of me to you. Including unprotected sex which I never had before.
среда, 02 декабря 2015
"it’s a hell of a lot less lonely to be alone on your own than to be lonely in a bad relationship."
Я заслуживаю быть любимой. По-настоящему.
Я очень хорошая.
Я не нуждаюсь в нем, чтобы мне было хорошо.
Я пытаюсь порвать с Марком.
Усиленно.
Просто сил моих больше нет.
Я не должна проводить свой день рождения с врагом.
Он не враг, но и не друг.
Он берет, но не дает.
Я заслуживаю быть любимой. По-настоящему.
Я очень хорошая.
Я не нуждаюсь в нем, чтобы мне было хорошо.
Я пытаюсь порвать с Марком.
Усиленно.
Просто сил моих больше нет.
Я не должна проводить свой день рождения с врагом.
Он не враг, но и не друг.
Он берет, но не дает.
суббота, 21 ноября 2015
Я так хочу его ответа! Я так надеюсь, что его ответ спасет меня...
Но ведь нет. Нет же.
Мне надо научиться этой спокойной радости по Иотко.
Relaxed and positive. Я должна быть такой с собой. И только тогда я смогу быть такой с другими.
А так - моя аддикция - это пучок нервов.
Как я могу наслаждаться жизнью с такой аддикцией?
Еще остро стоит вопрос секса.
Ох не знаю.
Почему же он не отвечает?
Хочу сегодня рыбки и индийского кина.
Ну нафиг прогулку)
Сегодня можно все!
Но ведь нет. Нет же.
Мне надо научиться этой спокойной радости по Иотко.
Relaxed and positive. Я должна быть такой с собой. И только тогда я смогу быть такой с другими.
А так - моя аддикция - это пучок нервов.
Как я могу наслаждаться жизнью с такой аддикцией?
Еще остро стоит вопрос секса.
Ох не знаю.
Почему же он не отвечает?
Хочу сегодня рыбки и индийского кина.
Ну нафиг прогулку)
Сегодня можно все!
пятница, 20 ноября 2015
ЗАДАЧА НОМЕР ОДИН - СМЕСТИТЬ ФОКУС МОЕЙ ЖИЗНИ С НЕГО
УБРАТЬ ЕГО ИЗ ФОКУСА
ПЕРЕМЕСТИТЬ ЕГО В ТЕНЬ
И вообще не встречаться с ним, пока не разберусь в своей башке.
УБРАТЬ ЕГО ИЗ ФОКУСА
ПЕРЕМЕСТИТЬ ЕГО В ТЕНЬ
И вообще не встречаться с ним, пока не разберусь в своей башке.
И да. Я лишилась девственности. Наконец, он сделал меня женщиной.
Первый секс в жизни без презерватива.
Это было невероятно.
И Марк - чудесный любовник. Безусловно.
Но у меня к нему нездоровое отношение.
Я потребовала его любви.
Не знаю. Жопа.
Первый секс в жизни без презерватива.
Это было невероятно.
И Марк - чудесный любовник. Безусловно.
Но у меня к нему нездоровое отношение.
Я потребовала его любви.
Не знаю. Жопа.
Это лютая жесть.
Весь вчерашний день.
Я отправила переписку Люции, получила ее фидбэк. Отправила Мелиссе, завтра обсудим. Даже маме все рассказала в слезах. Даже Леше чуть было не позвонила. Но написала.
Я подумала, что с Марком все, конец.
Но он написал мне вечером. Вроде как... типо не знаю. Мы на брейке, но вроде отношения не испорчены совсем.
Не знаю.
Мне срочно нужна программа АнтиМарк!
Программа будет включать
- работа над диссером
- расширение кругозора
- общение с другими людьми. как можно больше.
- встречи с ним только когда лично мне удобно
- в целом пофигозность.
не знаю. пока в моей голове это все не устаканилось.
и все приведет только к жопе.
большой жопе.
Весь вчерашний день.
Я отправила переписку Люции, получила ее фидбэк. Отправила Мелиссе, завтра обсудим. Даже маме все рассказала в слезах. Даже Леше чуть было не позвонила. Но написала.
Я подумала, что с Марком все, конец.
Но он написал мне вечером. Вроде как... типо не знаю. Мы на брейке, но вроде отношения не испорчены совсем.
Не знаю.
Мне срочно нужна программа АнтиМарк!
Программа будет включать
- работа над диссером
- расширение кругозора
- общение с другими людьми. как можно больше.
- встречи с ним только когда лично мне удобно
- в целом пофигозность.
не знаю. пока в моей голове это все не устаканилось.
и все приведет только к жопе.
большой жопе.
четверг, 12 ноября 2015
Марк)))
В общем, теперь я оптимистка и не боюсь ничего!
В общем, теперь я оптимистка и не боюсь ничего!