Hello.
Marc, Eloh, bro, sweet boy, man, you. I gave a word to stop, but there is an important reason why I'm writing this to you now. And the reason is - misinformation which always leads to misunderstanding. There are things I haven't told you which may change the whole picture for you and shed some light on why I acted the way I acted.
I didn't want to overwhelm you with large letter, but since you said you love philosophy and you said you taking me as I am, I feel I can tell you all I want even if the size of that is not compact. And especially in the case of misunderstanding, it's crucial to explain it all in detail. I would love to hear your side of the story as well if there is something I don't know yet. Or just your reaction.
You said I didn't give knowing you a chance. While that's true in general, there are in fact some things I got to know about you. One of these things is that you're hotheaded and explode too fast when you feel someone wants to offend you or is blaming you. At that time you can lose some objectivity and actually attack a person very aggressively.
The other thing though I got to know about you is that you get appeased after some time and that's when the objectivity comes back. Especially, when the other person deals with attack in a persuasive way. Then you can actually hear and see what in fact stands behind all these words.
So you said you always gave me what I asked for. Now I am asking you to read this letter when you are in that objective and restful mood. As I am not trying to put blames on you, I am explaining what are the reasons why I did what I did. If you're not in that mood, please wait until you have it.
The reason why I'm writing this to you is that I was shocked that you were deeply hurt by me leaving you. I didn't know you actually valued my company and wanted me to be at least your friend. This was the time I saw you cared.
Now I anticipate you telling me that I am the fucking "not-believer". I gotta believe. It's not your job to prove me that you care.
Well, there is a reason why I didn't believe. So let me tell you about it.
For me it was a deep connection from the start. Something I rarely have with people and something I greedily seek in people. The connection. Not communication. But the feeling that I am touched somewhere inside. That I see a person who actually is deep. Rich mentally and emotionally. Strong. Smart. Sexy. Curious. Gifted. Not indifferent. Open. "Not like the others". And connection with such person gives me the best feeling I can have.
One thing about me is that in this case I suddenly feel incredibly bored with everyone else. I want to hang out and talk with this person only, others seem artificial. I get consumed by this connection and tend to a complete union. I lose the sense of boundary. If this is a man, the fullness of connection is achieved also by physical attraction and strong desire.
And you were in for that. Open, taking and giving, interested. It was a lot of fun and discoveries. Before we started having sex. Including the protected one.
I didn't expect first several times to work out perfectly, of course, people should take time to adjust to each other. However, at some point I started feeling the growing imbalance. I am not measuring cheaply or anything, but this is important. Just remember how many orgasms I had. One or two? Compared to dozens of yours recieved through different ways. Again, I'm not counting or anything but I want to enjoy our sex no less than you do.
Maybe this is not obvious, but every time I have sexual experience, I want an orgasm at least once. I need to release, to discharge, to relax. If I'm not the tension grows.
On the one hand, you could think that sex itself gives me pleasure. Well, that's true to some degree. Firstly, pleasant sensations and actual orgasm are so far from being equal. Secondly, many times I didn't have pleasant sensations cause I wasn't well aroused. In most of the cases I would be just plain tense and you would just ram. That's very far from giving me pleasant sensations. When you rape my butt, there are no pleasant sensations as well. I don't mind and in fact like when there is a violence in our acts, but it has to be at least balanced with things pleasant for me.
There are two types of orgasms women can get. The vaginal (spot G one) and the clitoral. The first is acheived only by some lucky women that have men who really want to please their woman and take time to learn how and practice. I thought you would do that eventually, and until then I was expecting to get the clitoral thing.
There is a saying that women are hard to please. Fuck no. Just try. Or ask. And be patient. We have very rich sensations and it's not good to feel neglected. We are multiorgasmic as well. So ideally I would cum as many times as you when we have sex.
But every time the imbalance was just increasing and increasing. You didn't take time to caress my body, to learn me, to arouse me well. And I was feeling more and more disconnected.
Why the hell am I feeling exhausted after sex if you came 4 times and I came 0 times? Isn't that self-explanatory?
At some point I started thinking you didn't care. You just wanted to have fun. I was enjoying the whole thing less and less. I didn't get the careful treat neither in sex, not in our conversation. That's why I was feeling so lost. At some point that violence wasn't sexual game anymore, I actually felt I am a victim. I actually started thinking you direct on me your aggression, and I had less and less signs of you liking me as a person or as a woman. It was all aggravated by the fact that you would text me mainly about sex, telling how you would fuck me this or that way. My tension was growing. I wanted some signs of you caring about me, and not just getting an available entertainment.
At some point, I guess after a night in your car, you got negative to me. And that was way too much to handle. So I coudn't take it anymore. I demanded your love!
How could I believe that you care when you would not take time to make me feel good in sex?
Remember I told you funny story about a guy waking up a girl with oral sex. That time you told that you would satisfy the girl first and then take care of yourself. Now remember that the first thing you did when you woke up in the car was sticking your dick into my mouth. This is kind of exactly the opposite of what you said. And when I left in the morning very tired all I wanted is from you was some nice text like "baby I hope your day goes well" but you texted how you wanna fuck my throat all day.
Now I anticipate your question. If I felt that way why the hell didn't I tell it to you? Cause you probably didn't aim to be selfish.
Here is my answer.
I tried several times, but every time you would cut me off. One time you said I'm giving you orders (I felt so horrible and guilty), second time you said the way I said it is narcissistic and it's on public. Other times when I softly ask you to please me orally you would be like "Say it, say eat my pussy". Why the hell I am supposed to say it explicitly, it makes me shrink and not talk about it anymore. Other times you wouldn't just think about it. Like I ask you to teach me to suck your dick well, but you won't ask me to teach you to please me as well. I didn't do it to get it instantly back, but you don't seem to even have an idea to ask me. Finally, last time we met I wanted to tell you but you were already upset and it was not tactful to tell you that. Also, isn't that so trivially obvious, that I want to have orgasms too? But I am probably not overly confident to rape your mouth, and this thing doesn't work with aggression, it works with tenderness and care. You are too intense when you give it to me.
About women absorbing.
About not being able to switch easily and to ditribute their attention and energy to different activities. I woudn't enjoy seeing other people, cause they are not as awesome as you are. I wouldn't even have enough sources to take care of myself and look good. I need time to learn to. I gotta learn.
About me not being productive and not being able to write dissertation.
I tried and failed. If I say I can see you and still not focus on you, it's self-lie.
Other than that - sex is not a casual thing. It should be a part of love relationships. And even if you please me well, this is either using or love.
I want to connect with you. I do like you in many ways. However I should not aim to have your romantic love. I was trying to grope what kind of relationship will work for me and you. And it's probably friendship with no sex. Maybe in 6 months or later I would be strong enough to connect and feel where's the boundary. It would help if I had a man or I saw you with Eva to actually feel that you are in a beatiful relationship with love and commitment. And violating this space is unacceptable.
You are in a relationship. Period.
You said I should not beat into a man's head to love me. That's something that I can't change instantly even if I strongly want. This is partially narcissitics fear, that I'm not good enough, partially my lack of self-sufficiency which results in me wanting the total confluence. While what you say implies two equally independent adults that are not involved in any kind of emotional dependency. And that's another huge work I must do. Fight with that or figure out why I need so badly to grab someone, and I can't find peace with myself.
Cause you're totally right, men will come to me for peace, for the joy of life and freedom that I have. And they will multiply my joy and peace. Or they will run away.
I know you were taking me as I am. But to believe I need to..... learn to do it.
Ughhhh. This whole letter doesn't make sense. I came back to where I was. I will think tomorrow.
Don't think I thought you're ingnorant. Assumptions.
Don't think I play, I am not capable of lying or manipulations.
And you're not black fetish. You said exotic sexuality too.
What I meant was that slowdown and break. My fucked-up use of language.
That's why all the molding happened. I needed some signs that you cared.
Marc, Eloh, bro, sweet boy, man, you. I gave a word to stop, but there is an important reason why I'm writing this to you now. And the reason is - misinformation which always leads to misunderstanding. There are things I haven't told you which may change the whole picture for you and shed some light on why I acted the way I acted.
I didn't want to overwhelm you with large letter, but since you said you love philosophy and you said you taking me as I am, I feel I can tell you all I want even if the size of that is not compact. And especially in the case of misunderstanding, it's crucial to explain it all in detail. I would love to hear your side of the story as well if there is something I don't know yet. Or just your reaction.
You said I didn't give knowing you a chance. While that's true in general, there are in fact some things I got to know about you. One of these things is that you're hotheaded and explode too fast when you feel someone wants to offend you or is blaming you. At that time you can lose some objectivity and actually attack a person very aggressively.
The other thing though I got to know about you is that you get appeased after some time and that's when the objectivity comes back. Especially, when the other person deals with attack in a persuasive way. Then you can actually hear and see what in fact stands behind all these words.
So you said you always gave me what I asked for. Now I am asking you to read this letter when you are in that objective and restful mood. As I am not trying to put blames on you, I am explaining what are the reasons why I did what I did. If you're not in that mood, please wait until you have it.
The reason why I'm writing this to you is that I was shocked that you were deeply hurt by me leaving you. I didn't know you actually valued my company and wanted me to be at least your friend. This was the time I saw you cared.
Now I anticipate you telling me that I am the fucking "not-believer". I gotta believe. It's not your job to prove me that you care.
Well, there is a reason why I didn't believe. So let me tell you about it.
For me it was a deep connection from the start. Something I rarely have with people and something I greedily seek in people. The connection. Not communication. But the feeling that I am touched somewhere inside. That I see a person who actually is deep. Rich mentally and emotionally. Strong. Smart. Sexy. Curious. Gifted. Not indifferent. Open. "Not like the others". And connection with such person gives me the best feeling I can have.
One thing about me is that in this case I suddenly feel incredibly bored with everyone else. I want to hang out and talk with this person only, others seem artificial. I get consumed by this connection and tend to a complete union. I lose the sense of boundary. If this is a man, the fullness of connection is achieved also by physical attraction and strong desire.
And you were in for that. Open, taking and giving, interested. It was a lot of fun and discoveries. Before we started having sex. Including the protected one.
I didn't expect first several times to work out perfectly, of course, people should take time to adjust to each other. However, at some point I started feeling the growing imbalance. I am not measuring cheaply or anything, but this is important. Just remember how many orgasms I had. One or two? Compared to dozens of yours recieved through different ways. Again, I'm not counting or anything but I want to enjoy our sex no less than you do.
Maybe this is not obvious, but every time I have sexual experience, I want an orgasm at least once. I need to release, to discharge, to relax. If I'm not the tension grows.
On the one hand, you could think that sex itself gives me pleasure. Well, that's true to some degree. Firstly, pleasant sensations and actual orgasm are so far from being equal. Secondly, many times I didn't have pleasant sensations cause I wasn't well aroused. In most of the cases I would be just plain tense and you would just ram. That's very far from giving me pleasant sensations. When you rape my butt, there are no pleasant sensations as well. I don't mind and in fact like when there is a violence in our acts, but it has to be at least balanced with things pleasant for me.
There are two types of orgasms women can get. The vaginal (spot G one) and the clitoral. The first is acheived only by some lucky women that have men who really want to please their woman and take time to learn how and practice. I thought you would do that eventually, and until then I was expecting to get the clitoral thing.
There is a saying that women are hard to please. Fuck no. Just try. Or ask. And be patient. We have very rich sensations and it's not good to feel neglected. We are multiorgasmic as well. So ideally I would cum as many times as you when we have sex.
But every time the imbalance was just increasing and increasing. You didn't take time to caress my body, to learn me, to arouse me well. And I was feeling more and more disconnected.
Why the hell am I feeling exhausted after sex if you came 4 times and I came 0 times? Isn't that self-explanatory?
At some point I started thinking you didn't care. You just wanted to have fun. I was enjoying the whole thing less and less. I didn't get the careful treat neither in sex, not in our conversation. That's why I was feeling so lost. At some point that violence wasn't sexual game anymore, I actually felt I am a victim. I actually started thinking you direct on me your aggression, and I had less and less signs of you liking me as a person or as a woman. It was all aggravated by the fact that you would text me mainly about sex, telling how you would fuck me this or that way. My tension was growing. I wanted some signs of you caring about me, and not just getting an available entertainment.
At some point, I guess after a night in your car, you got negative to me. And that was way too much to handle. So I coudn't take it anymore. I demanded your love!
How could I believe that you care when you would not take time to make me feel good in sex?
Remember I told you funny story about a guy waking up a girl with oral sex. That time you told that you would satisfy the girl first and then take care of yourself. Now remember that the first thing you did when you woke up in the car was sticking your dick into my mouth. This is kind of exactly the opposite of what you said. And when I left in the morning very tired all I wanted is from you was some nice text like "baby I hope your day goes well" but you texted how you wanna fuck my throat all day.
Now I anticipate your question. If I felt that way why the hell didn't I tell it to you? Cause you probably didn't aim to be selfish.
Here is my answer.
I tried several times, but every time you would cut me off. One time you said I'm giving you orders (I felt so horrible and guilty), second time you said the way I said it is narcissistic and it's on public. Other times when I softly ask you to please me orally you would be like "Say it, say eat my pussy". Why the hell I am supposed to say it explicitly, it makes me shrink and not talk about it anymore. Other times you wouldn't just think about it. Like I ask you to teach me to suck your dick well, but you won't ask me to teach you to please me as well. I didn't do it to get it instantly back, but you don't seem to even have an idea to ask me. Finally, last time we met I wanted to tell you but you were already upset and it was not tactful to tell you that. Also, isn't that so trivially obvious, that I want to have orgasms too? But I am probably not overly confident to rape your mouth, and this thing doesn't work with aggression, it works with tenderness and care. You are too intense when you give it to me.
About women absorbing.
About not being able to switch easily and to ditribute their attention and energy to different activities. I woudn't enjoy seeing other people, cause they are not as awesome as you are. I wouldn't even have enough sources to take care of myself and look good. I need time to learn to. I gotta learn.
About me not being productive and not being able to write dissertation.
I tried and failed. If I say I can see you and still not focus on you, it's self-lie.
Other than that - sex is not a casual thing. It should be a part of love relationships. And even if you please me well, this is either using or love.
I want to connect with you. I do like you in many ways. However I should not aim to have your romantic love. I was trying to grope what kind of relationship will work for me and you. And it's probably friendship with no sex. Maybe in 6 months or later I would be strong enough to connect and feel where's the boundary. It would help if I had a man or I saw you with Eva to actually feel that you are in a beatiful relationship with love and commitment. And violating this space is unacceptable.
You are in a relationship. Period.
You said I should not beat into a man's head to love me. That's something that I can't change instantly even if I strongly want. This is partially narcissitics fear, that I'm not good enough, partially my lack of self-sufficiency which results in me wanting the total confluence. While what you say implies two equally independent adults that are not involved in any kind of emotional dependency. And that's another huge work I must do. Fight with that or figure out why I need so badly to grab someone, and I can't find peace with myself.
Cause you're totally right, men will come to me for peace, for the joy of life and freedom that I have. And they will multiply my joy and peace. Or they will run away.
I know you were taking me as I am. But to believe I need to..... learn to do it.
Ughhhh. This whole letter doesn't make sense. I came back to where I was. I will think tomorrow.
Don't think I thought you're ingnorant. Assumptions.
Don't think I play, I am not capable of lying or manipulations.
And you're not black fetish. You said exotic sexuality too.
What I meant was that slowdown and break. My fucked-up use of language.
That's why all the molding happened. I needed some signs that you cared.